VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE

Suzette Haden Elgin

FINDINGS:

Miller's Law - In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.

Syntonic means being in tune - in this case in the area of interpersonal communications.

Body language is one syntonic.

Another is SENSORY MODE. One of the senses is usually predominant in a person's speech and to be syntonic with that person so as to communicate efficiently and effectively, one should try to identify and match the sense being used: e.g.

SIGHT: It really looks good to me.

HEARING: It really sounds great to me.

TOUCH: It really feels right to me.

SMELL: I really like the smell of it.

TASTE: I really like the taste of it. Preference for 'smell' and 'taste' are rare; 'sight’, 'hearing' and ‘touch’ predominate.

If you don't know which sensory mode to use, don't use any. Instead, stay with words that can't be classified in any of the 5 categories. “I think it's fine” or “In my opinion”.

Mismatch: Mary: "How does my project look to you?"

Sue: "I like the sound of it. I really do."

Mary: "But do you see what I mean?"

Sue: "Sure! I said it sounded great - didn't you hear me?"

Syntonic: Mary: "How does my project look to you""

Sue: "It looks great. It really does."

Mary: "I'm glad you see what I mean."

Sue: "No problem! It's clear and I like it."

The SATIR MODES are the third syntonic. People tend to use one of five patterns of language behaviour, according to Dr. Virginia Satir. These are:

BLAMING: Blamers pepper their speech with words like: Always, Never, Nothing, Nobody, Everything, None, Not once (e.g. "You ALWAYS do EVERYTHING wrong!") When they ask questions, they put an abnormally heavy stress on the question word – ^“WHY did you do that?" “WHEN will you start thinking of someone other than yourself?" There are Blamers who are a bit less obvious. For every Blamer who says "You idiot, don't you ever look where you're going?" others are more covert "Sweetheart, couldn't you be more careful where you put your feet just once in a while?" Their body language is threatening. They lean over you, shake their index finger or fist at you and scowl, frown or glare.

PLACATING: Placaters are almost the exact opposite of Blamers. They wiggle, fidget and lean; they hang on you, or cringe away from you. They are desperate to please and wi11 not say what they want. E.g. "Oh, you know me, whatever you want is okay with me!" or "You know how I am, nothing bothers me.”

COMPUTERS: They are determined to give the impression that they have no emotions, so they use very little body language, few facial expressions, few gestures. They avoid the words “I, me, mine, you, yours”, etc. to keep their language as divorced from the real world situation as possible. e.g. "There is clearly no reason for alarm." "It would appear there is a minor problem."

DISTRACTERS: Give the impression of linguistic chaos and panic. Under stress they cycle through the other patterns of blaming, placating, computing randomly and their body language is as disorganized as their words. E.g. "Why don't you ever ask me what I'd like to do on the weekend? Not that it matters...you know how I am, anything that makes you happy. But simple courtesy would seem to indicate that the desires of both individuals be taken into account. But whatever you want is okay with me, you know."

LEVELERS: These are hard to spot because they may use the same words as a Blamer, Placater or Computer but there is a striking difference. He means exactly what he says. There is no mismatch among the Leveler's words, body language or feelings. When a Blamer says "Why do you always eat so much junk food?" it is a verbal attack; a Leveler who uses the same words may be impolite and unkind but the question is not an attack. There is no Blamer body language and no abnormal stress on words - it is a simple request for information.

Once you have identified which of the 5 modes you are dealing with in confrontations there are clear rules in syntonics for the use of Satir Modes.

Except for Leveling at a Leveler, try not to match the Satir mode coming at you. This will only intensify the confrontation.

If you don't know what to do, go to the Computer mode and maintain it. It is the most neutral mode and therefore will clash less than any other choice.

Syntonic Listening

When people are speaking - no matter how trivial the subject -their blood pressure rises; when people are listening, really listening and not just hearing, their blood pressure falls. However, 'defensive' listeners, those who are just waiting on the edge of their chair for the chance to speak, rehearsing what they are going to say in their heads, struggling to interrupt, do not show a drop in blood pressure - it stays elevated just as if they were speaking.

People start to listen with the best of intentions, then realize they haven't heard a word the speaker was saying for some time. This will happen no matter what the subject is. If it’s something that interests one, they stop listening because they want to be the one talking; if it's something that doesn't interest one, they will stop listening because they are bored. To break this habit, it’s necessary to drag the mind back when one catches it wandering and LISTEN. When you catch yourself interrupting, stop, apologize, ask the speaker to continue and LISTEN.

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