THE DANCE OF DECEPTION

Pretending and Truth-Telling

Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

FINDINGS:

In The Name of Privacy - We think of privacy as a basic and necessary human right but, in doing so, we may be perpetuating lies that keep us from gaining freedom. By failing to fully look at our private secrets, we withhold honest experience from each other and fail to challenge ourselves to find new ways of relating and showing each other who we are. Privacy is necessary at times but is also dangerous. Sometimes speaking out can put us emotionally and physically at risk but it is not as dangerous – because not sharing what is most personal and private keeps us trapped, and strong tendencies are there to add to the hidden store of thoughts and feelings until everything is lived internally and we lose the ability to share ourselves altogether. As we learn to speak the truth from our private or secret selves, the space for truth widens around us.

Our Family Legacies - We learn from our parents (and thus teach our children) to avoid topics that are not "safe". Over the years we teach ourselves not to believe our perceptions - to hide from them because they can't be brought out into the open, and so become less and less real - until only superficiality is left. We learn to be no more direct and honest with our children than our parents were with us.

If we have been told we are "good" when we don't confront and deal with hidden family matters honestly, then that is what we live up to and it can colour our whole lives and those of future generations. When we continue with the perception that significant things must be kept below the surface, hidden away so we don't "rock the boat", we rule out the opportunity to discover and be our real selves.

Honesty versus Truth - Sometimes, under the guise of honesty, we may blurt things out in such a way that anxiety may be driven higher rather than promoting the safety that encourages truth-telling. Courage must be developed to persevere in the face of resistance but skills must be learned as well to experiment with different ways of being in relationships so that the opportunity for deepening discussion is enlarged, rather than "hit and run" disclosures, revelations and confrontations. Timing and tact are what make truth-telling possible in the most difficult circumstances and with the toughest subjects. Others will then find it easier to listen rather than just react.

Just Pretending - Pretending is the social word for a lie and is possibly the most serious form of deception. We are jolted when we tell an outright lie, but "pretending" can easily be woven into our daily life, thus leading to the creation of a false self. In time we don't even notice ourselves doing it. There are times when pretending is useful - when we act brave, we're better able to feel brave; when we feel hope - there is hope; - enabling us to improve. Sometimes it is necessary to pretend, to act, to respond differently in order to change our habitual behaviour in a relationship - allowing for the emerging of something “more real”. Habits at first are silken threads then they become cables.

An Affair is a Big Secret - Hiding an affair from our partner we act more and more in a “pretend” way. Although we are physically present, we are not there emotionally and efforts grow to appear more caring, but caring is not deeply felt. It is impossible to feel close to a person one is hiding from, confusing, throwing off track, deceiving. Some of us keep the secret of affairs over several years. We believe one way, and behave another - not letting ourselves look at the incongruity between our beliefs and actions. We rationalize to fool not only others but also ourselves. Extended silence invites lying and deception to maintain secrecy and this affects all other emotional issues in the relationship.

Goethe once wrote "If you treat man as he appears to be, you make him worse than he is. But if you treat man as if he already were what he potentially could be, you make him what he should be."

W. Brugh Joy has paraphrased this. "If I treat myself as I think I appear to be, I make myself less than I am. But if I treat myself as if I already were what I potentially could be, I make myself what I should be.”

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