FIRE YOUR SHRINK!

(Solution-oriented Brief Therapy)

Michele Weiner-Davis

The Anatomy Of Change

Questions to ask oneself when we want to change our lives:

· What is something I enjoy doing and feel I do well? (Occupation, hobby, interest, etc.)

· What skills are necessary for me to excel?

· How might these strengths come in handy as I try to improve my current situation? (Most skills are transferable – how could you apply what you do in situations where you feel confident & successful to other situations?

Compared with the risks of doing something new and unpredictable, the risks of doing nothing are monumental.

There is no such thing as failure, only feedback as to how to modify your next step. It is remarkably freeing to realize that there are only two ways you can really screw up – not trying anything for fear of failure & ignoring the outcome of something you tried.

The Whole Is Greater Than The Sum Of the Parts

There are many ways to view any given situation, & no perspective is more “correct” than any other. Although your own viewpoint is the natural starting place, you must keep in mind that it is only one way to look at a situation, & certainly not the only “correct” one. (e.g. – the blind men touching different parts of the elephant & each having a different description of what the animal looks like.)The more you allow yourself to appreciate other people’s perspectives, the more abundant the potential solutions.

A self-righteous attitude that another’s views are the “real cause” of a problem will diminish the ability to find solutions. Regardless of how different, the other’s views are not groundless..

A broader perspective takes into account all the individual views, adding another dimension. This more expansive view is not any more “correct” than the individual views, but because of its comprehensiveness, offers a new vantage point & breaks the cycle of each individual defending his/her own way to the exclusion of all others.

The Butterfly Effect

Once even minute changes take hold, the new & improved life-style is so rewarding that sustaining it becomes less & less of a challenge (the path to change is seen & therefore continued especially if life becomes better).

If You Don’t Know Where You’re Going, You’ll Probably End Up Somewhere Else

Setting an effective goal is the first step to solving problems. It will help you identify where you want to be, provide clues as to how to get there & let you know when you’ve arrived.

· Identify what you want, not what you don’t want.- positively stated goals are more informative.

· If you want someone else in your life to change, there is a distinct advantage to thinking of positive goals. You are more likely to express your requests of others positively & therefore are more likely to get the results you want. E.g. “You don’t do so-and-so” (negative) vs “it would really help if you….” (positive)

· Be specific. Ask yourself “What will I be doing differently when I (fill in goal)? E.g. - a vague goal would be ‘get in shape’. A specific goal would be ‘lose ten pounds’.

· Think small – break goal down into manageable chunks so progress can be noted. E.g. – in the above example, set small goals that can be achieved quickly to motivate you to the larger goal (lose one pound a week through exercise & diet).

· Be realistic - sometimes we expect the impossible. And, sometimes other people can be more objective about your situation & they may be able to see that a particular goal is unattainable. If so, you will eventually discover it, too. If you give up before you are sure, you’ll always wonder “what if…”

· Fast forward to the future – visualize how things will be different when you have achieved your goal.

If It Works, Don’t Fix It

The solution to most personal & interpersonal problems is unraveling the differences between times when the problem occurs & times when it does not. By doing more of what works, we allow the positive times to crowd out the negative ones.

Do Something Different

· What problem situation keeps coming up over & over in my life?

· What is my usual way of handling this situation?

· How would the people around me say I usually deal with the situation?

· Anything other than what you have been doing that hasn’t been working has a better chance of getting good results. Anything. Then analyze the results & adjust if necessary.

· Vary the what, when, where, or who. “It is circumstance & proper timing that give an action its character & make it either good or bad.” – Ageilaus.

Act As If

E.g. Act as if you like someone, even if you find him obnoxious. Chances are they will likely pick up on your changed attitude & become more likable. One small change in one person tends to set off a reciprocal action in another. (Butterfly effect again.)

Do A 180⁰

· Describe to yourself what you see as the problem.

· Assess how you have been trying to solve this problem (your ‘more of the same’ actions).

· Do a U-turn – the exact opposite of what you have been doing.

· Stick with it – it will be tempting to go back to your old ways when things start improving. Don’t!

Easier Done Than Said

We often make stronger impressions on others through our nonverbal behaviour than with words. There’s no doubt that a straightforward discussion is the best way to resolve differences – always try that first. But if talking hasn’t worked, take action. E.g. – throwing underwear out the window to make a point about cleaning room.

Smart Talk

· Presupposing that change is inevitable & that people have resources to solve their problems goes a long way toward making those assumptions come true. E.g. “So, what’s going well in your life this week?” Presupposition: Things are going well.

· People usually balk when they feel you are making demands or giving orders – no one likes to be told what to do. The illusion of choice gets around this. E.g. “Which of these two lots would best meet your needs?” not “Are you interested in purchasing a lot?”

Do Nothing

True assertiveness has nothing to do with knee-jerk reactions to provocative situations but, rather, lies in the ability to recognize your feelings & then deciding how or whether you will respond. Ask yourself – “What is my ultimate goal?” “Will bringing up the issue increase the chances of achieving my goal?” If you can’t imagine good results, do nothing.

Feet, Don’t Fail Me Now

The situation is greatly improved, so to maintain it, you must maintain the new behaviours that instigated the improvement.

· What have I been doing differently recently that has led to these positive results?

· What would others say I have been doing differently lately? Try to imagine how others may be seeing you.

· After you have been behaving in more productive ways for a while, continuing to do so will require little conscious effort.

· When you slip, don’t berate yourself or blame others. Just remind yourself of what has worked & start doing it again.

· What are one or two things that might happen in the next few weeks that would present a challenge to my sticking with these changes?

· How will I handle the situation(s) differently so that the outcome will be positive? Brainstorm possibilities – anything other than what you know won’t work (the way you handled the situation(s) in the past).

There have been no noticeable positive changes

· Perhaps the change is hidden by something unpleasant that happened recently;

· You’ve only tried one new idea. Solution development requires that you remain open-minded about the potential of various strategies. If it works, keep doing it. If it doesn’t, try something else.

· You haven’t stuck with any single method long enough.

· What you’ve been doing is not different enough from your ‘more of the same’.

· Approaches that usually do not work are: the unsolicited lecture, taking the high moral ground by beginning your arguments with, for example, “If you really loved me…” “Anyone with sense…”

· You are ambivalent about change.

· You haven’t forgiven yourself or others. Forgiving others is not condoning their actions – it’s an act of letting go, of not allowing the suffering to control your life anymore. Forgiving yourself for slips along the way to your goal(s) is essential – get back on track & start again.

Believe in yourself; do more of what works, less of what doesn’t; and don’t analyze problems to death.

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